UpToSpeed..
I am, in the words of Ronan Keating, riding a rollercoaster. Everyday is like a new turn, unexpected and impossible to predict. I spend days travelling up, before tumbling back down to earth, however with my mum by my side, she keeps me floating on her love. She holds me when im *being silly* and helps me fight Cruella when she becomes me. This shows how far i have come, i can distinguish between me and her, i can now identify potential problems, problems that neednt be problems and think of rational ways to solve these problems. I am not delusioned however, i could not have got this far without my mum. She is my rock.
Twelve months ago i tore my mums world apart, by telling her that i was ill, then neither of us knew how hard the next few years would/will be, or how bad things coudl get. At my worst last july i weighed 39Kg, and was survivng on a daily intake of one apple and water. My body was literally eating itself, and yet i wasnt suffering from any side effects, apart from being tired due to the mental turmoil i was putting myself through. I would scream and shout, cry and shout some more, my mood swings were erratic, and never in a positive way. Not once would i apologise to those on the receiving end, i needed my own space 24/7, i ran away i dont know how many times and made life hell!! If i could turn back time, i would, i would change so much, but whether that would give me the life experience i now have, im not sure. I am now 'Wise above my years', and the world's biggest hypocrite, as i can give advice on healthy, sensible weight loss, but cannot follow it myself.
I now have a new counsellor, as my original counsellor (LH) lost her job due to the dredit crunch?! it was the most horrific day of my life, when i was told that i no longer had that security blanket. She left me floating, not of her own choicem and me and my mum had to muddle though for two months on our own, and we didnt know how. I began to slip around christmas 2008. i was now single, having left my mentally abusive relationship, i was having to repair the friendships i had put on hold because i had locked myself in a bubble. I was lonely and suffering, therfore i returned to a world i knew, a world i was in control of, i began restricting my diet, until i was down to 43kg once more. this way, i was in control, or so i thought, in reality Cruella was ruling me once more. This time i was sitting exams, whilist my parents were searching for a new counselling service, they even considered private, but we really could not afford it. By this time i was only in school for my lessons, driving home whenever i had free time, i couldnt bear to stay in school, and then the night before my biology a-level module exam, i cut my arms and wrists in an attempt to escape from hell. It didnt work *thank god* and i actually sat my exam the next day and gained a grade A!!
Now, i have battled my way up the weight ladder, have anti-depressents to control my moods for me, and i actually have a life and a future. I am going to university in September, I am going on holiday with friends in the summer, i am excited for life...but i am so scared!
Twelve months ago i tore my mums world apart, by telling her that i was ill, then neither of us knew how hard the next few years would/will be, or how bad things coudl get. At my worst last july i weighed 39Kg, and was survivng on a daily intake of one apple and water. My body was literally eating itself, and yet i wasnt suffering from any side effects, apart from being tired due to the mental turmoil i was putting myself through. I would scream and shout, cry and shout some more, my mood swings were erratic, and never in a positive way. Not once would i apologise to those on the receiving end, i needed my own space 24/7, i ran away i dont know how many times and made life hell!! If i could turn back time, i would, i would change so much, but whether that would give me the life experience i now have, im not sure. I am now 'Wise above my years', and the world's biggest hypocrite, as i can give advice on healthy, sensible weight loss, but cannot follow it myself.
I now have a new counsellor, as my original counsellor (LH) lost her job due to the dredit crunch?! it was the most horrific day of my life, when i was told that i no longer had that security blanket. She left me floating, not of her own choicem and me and my mum had to muddle though for two months on our own, and we didnt know how. I began to slip around christmas 2008. i was now single, having left my mentally abusive relationship, i was having to repair the friendships i had put on hold because i had locked myself in a bubble. I was lonely and suffering, therfore i returned to a world i knew, a world i was in control of, i began restricting my diet, until i was down to 43kg once more. this way, i was in control, or so i thought, in reality Cruella was ruling me once more. This time i was sitting exams, whilist my parents were searching for a new counselling service, they even considered private, but we really could not afford it. By this time i was only in school for my lessons, driving home whenever i had free time, i couldnt bear to stay in school, and then the night before my biology a-level module exam, i cut my arms and wrists in an attempt to escape from hell. It didnt work *thank god* and i actually sat my exam the next day and gained a grade A!!
Now, i have battled my way up the weight ladder, have anti-depressents to control my moods for me, and i actually have a life and a future. I am going to university in September, I am going on holiday with friends in the summer, i am excited for life...but i am so scared!
